Mechanical Horsey Rides Prove Hit At Office

By Jim Morrison
Unassociated Press

NEW YORK (UP) – Tony Fratberger says that the entrepreneurial bug bit him early on in his young life.

The 24-year-old recent college graduate was promoted last month to Senior Vice President of Business Development at Ben, Dover & Coff after submitting his idea to lighten the workplace atmosphere and increase company revenues by placing nostalgic horsey rides in the lobby. The rides, often found outside small mom and pop grocery stores, have minimal operating costs and have been a hit with visiting clients and vendors.

“That boy is a genius!” Company co-founder and C.E.O Harvey Dover exclaimed during a recent telephone interview. “I’ve never had so much fun at work and we’re raking in the dough. Just yesterday we all had a good laugh as the UPS man popped a quarter in and rode one out.”

Chief Financial Officer Monty Jenkins shares Dover’s accolades of Fratberger’s accomplishments. He reports that company profit has already increased .005 percent since the machines were installed near the water fountain in the lobby three weeks ago. According to their latest public filing last week, Ben, Dover & Coff has not seen profit margins on that scale since the company served as primary consultants in the transformation of Monica Lewinski’s career into the field of acting.

Jenkins could not be happier. “Last month Harvey tasked our staff with developing new, innovative revenue streams – to think outside the box. To be entirely honest, I didn’t see how mechanical horsey rides fit with our business model, but I changed my mind after the first week when the receptionist brought me that large bag of quarters from the machine.”

What does the new Senior Vice President think about his new found responsibilities?

“Well, I was a little worried about coming up with a follow-up idea after the promotion and all,” Fratberger states. “That was until my next idea came to me while staring down at my feet… a shoe shiner!”

Ben, Dover & Coff expects revenues to increase by at least a quarter of a half of a percentage point in 2006 and attributes nearly all of that expected growth to Fratberger and his out-of-the-box style of thinking. Fratberger admits that he has a long way to go toward his ultimate goal of running the company, but for now it seems that the 24-year-old Senior VP of Business Development is riding high on his horse.

Manpon Craze Sweeps Kentucky

By: Jim Morrison
Unassociated Press

LEXINGTON, KY (UP) – Marketing professors at the University of Kentucky are at a loss to explain a local phenomenon that has taken the male athletes of this city by storm: The Manpon.

The Manpon is a simple, tampon-like device that men who engage in rough sports are using to treat bloody noses brought on by beatings from competing teams. It was invented by local entrepreneur, Jimbob Dean Sr., after he witnessed his wife suffer through an unusually “heavy flow” day.

“As I saw her go to throw that bloody mess away, I got myself to thinking.” Dean says. “My buddies are always getting knocked around on the field. We usually have to stop games when someone gets a bleeder. The nostril is just the right shape for something like my wife’s tampon, and if she can wear it all day and get the house work done, then we could wear it and play right through facial injuries.”

Mayor Frank Jones agrees. “Out-of-state teams have been commenting on Lexington’s highly increased endurance across all fields of sports. I really think Jimbob’s product has given us the advantage we needed to put Lexington at the top of sports charts across the nation.”

Jimbob Sr., or J-Bo as the locals call him, credits his son Jimbob Jr. with creating the marketing strategy that have made Manpons the hit of the city. “He thought up the name “Manpon” and also conceived and executed a top-notch viral marketing campaign by telling all of our relatives to buy the product”.

The Dean’s have 1,137 first cousins in Lexington alone, many of whom are married with an average number of 6 children. The marketing campaign created by Jimbob Jr. was so successful that it now outsells milk in many grocery stores in the area.

Dean Sr. believes that the next logical expansion for Manpons is convincing the Federal Government that they are a necessary part of everyday life, and that citizen’s on welfare should be able to purchase the product with their Food Stamps.

Jimbob Jr. gets excited as his father talks about his expansion plans. “Could you imagine how many Manpons we’d sell if we can tap into the Food Stamp market?” He asks with a big smile on his face. “That’s like a billion times more people than my cousins with money who are buying the product now.”

The ultimate fate of the Manpon depends on whether the marketing expertise of the Dean’s is capable of expanding the market outside of Lexington. Both father and son think that goal is achievable.

“Hell, we still got Uncle Jerry in Frankfurt with seven grown kids that we haven’t talked to yet.” Dean Jr. explains. “It’s only a matter of time.”