By Jim Morrison
Unassociated Press
SEATTLE (UP) – Gary Smith smiles broadly as he remembers the knock on his front door that changed his life forever. It was a cold Thursday afternoon on December 3rd, 1998.
"I remember thinking to myself 'Jehovah Witnesses don't dress this nice and I've never seen a couple of Mormons with so much style and pizzazz'," Smith fondly recalls. "I didn't know what they were there for, but the pearly white smiles told me that they were friendly and free cell phone they thrust into my hands quickly got my attention."
Smith went on to learn that his unexpected visitors that day were from a local organization of homosexuals, A Few Good Men, whose primary purpose is to recruit new members for the cause of revelry, debauchery and a touch of down home sodomy.
Within a week Smith had found himself not only a complete convert to the gay lifestyle, but a "blue-level" recruiter himself - just 15 recruits shy of the much heralded "green" level on the rainbow scale of recruitment the organization uses.
It wasn't long until Smith had climbed to the top of the ranks and found himself appointed Brigadier General of the newly renamed Gay Mafia that so many heterosexuals now loose sleep over each night. He immediately made plans to reach deeper into previously untapped reservoirs of recruitment: suburbia and a neighborhood near you.
"I was somewhat surprised by my quick ascension in the ranks," Smith admits with a proud smile. "In fact, I was just so focused on bringing in higher and higher numbers that I didn't stop to contemplate my success until much later when an angry mother threw a pitcher of holy water on me after attempting to brand me with a blow torch and a small metallic cross for stealing her son away from her. That's when I knew: the gays had arrived, and I was a part of that success story."
Smith attributes his growth as a Brigadier General to the low levels of religious participation in the Pacific Northwest which allowed him to continually meet and exceed his recruitment numbers last year, even while some areas in the Southern US saw declines in their ranks by as much as 2%.
"It is true, that we lost a couple of folks to an unexpected right-wing religious revival lead by Pastor Fred Phelps and his inbred family, but we didn't let that stop us, we pressed on. In fact," Smith continued, "we began partnering with large corporate sponsors to bring new and exciting products to our recruitment catalog. Those partnerships resulted in product offerings that appealed to a much broader base, which enabled us to engage both older and younger members. I won't go into name dropping, but McDonald's, Coca-Cola, AT&T, AARP and The Disney Channel all played a part."
With 2007 fast coming to a close, Smith isn't stressing about reaching his goal of recruiting a full 10% of the existing heterosexual population. He's got several cards yet to play, a few of which blur existing religious and ethnic lines. He is said to be contemplating using a show of force with his large African American "Brothas" who like to keep things "on the down low" and usually play a more covert role in the recruitment operations. There is also speculation from heterosexual watch agencies that he'll be apt to sending more "Gaysians" into the local Chinatowns, high-rises and mini-marts.
Smith of course is mum on what tricks he may have up his sleeve, answering only with a simple "no comment". He did, however, allude to the fact that 2008 was set to be a banner year and that the quota for gay recruitment was expected to raise to 20% in the yearly membership drive.
Editor's Note: The Unassociated Press recently learned through unidentified sources that plans are already in the design phase for a matching coaster/martini set that should help the Gay Mafia in reaching their lofty goals.
Unassociated Press
SEATTLE (UP) – Gary Smith smiles broadly as he remembers the knock on his front door that changed his life forever. It was a cold Thursday afternoon on December 3rd, 1998.
"I remember thinking to myself 'Jehovah Witnesses don't dress this nice and I've never seen a couple of Mormons with so much style and pizzazz'," Smith fondly recalls. "I didn't know what they were there for, but the pearly white smiles told me that they were friendly and free cell phone they thrust into my hands quickly got my attention."
Smith went on to learn that his unexpected visitors that day were from a local organization of homosexuals, A Few Good Men, whose primary purpose is to recruit new members for the cause of revelry, debauchery and a touch of down home sodomy.
Within a week Smith had found himself not only a complete convert to the gay lifestyle, but a "blue-level" recruiter himself - just 15 recruits shy of the much heralded "green" level on the rainbow scale of recruitment the organization uses.
It wasn't long until Smith had climbed to the top of the ranks and found himself appointed Brigadier General of the newly renamed Gay Mafia that so many heterosexuals now loose sleep over each night. He immediately made plans to reach deeper into previously untapped reservoirs of recruitment: suburbia and a neighborhood near you.
"I was somewhat surprised by my quick ascension in the ranks," Smith admits with a proud smile. "In fact, I was just so focused on bringing in higher and higher numbers that I didn't stop to contemplate my success until much later when an angry mother threw a pitcher of holy water on me after attempting to brand me with a blow torch and a small metallic cross for stealing her son away from her. That's when I knew: the gays had arrived, and I was a part of that success story."
Smith attributes his growth as a Brigadier General to the low levels of religious participation in the Pacific Northwest which allowed him to continually meet and exceed his recruitment numbers last year, even while some areas in the Southern US saw declines in their ranks by as much as 2%.
"It is true, that we lost a couple of folks to an unexpected right-wing religious revival lead by Pastor Fred Phelps and his inbred family, but we didn't let that stop us, we pressed on. In fact," Smith continued, "we began partnering with large corporate sponsors to bring new and exciting products to our recruitment catalog. Those partnerships resulted in product offerings that appealed to a much broader base, which enabled us to engage both older and younger members. I won't go into name dropping, but McDonald's, Coca-Cola, AT&T, AARP and The Disney Channel all played a part."
With 2007 fast coming to a close, Smith isn't stressing about reaching his goal of recruiting a full 10% of the existing heterosexual population. He's got several cards yet to play, a few of which blur existing religious and ethnic lines. He is said to be contemplating using a show of force with his large African American "Brothas" who like to keep things "on the down low" and usually play a more covert role in the recruitment operations. There is also speculation from heterosexual watch agencies that he'll be apt to sending more "Gaysians" into the local Chinatowns, high-rises and mini-marts.
Smith of course is mum on what tricks he may have up his sleeve, answering only with a simple "no comment". He did, however, allude to the fact that 2008 was set to be a banner year and that the quota for gay recruitment was expected to raise to 20% in the yearly membership drive.
Editor's Note: The Unassociated Press recently learned through unidentified sources that plans are already in the design phase for a matching coaster/martini set that should help the Gay Mafia in reaching their lofty goals.
